Be careful - rudeness in the family! How to fight - and save relationships. What to do if your husband constantly insults and humiliates you? Let's fight back! Rude husband psychology
Hello!
Sometimes it gets to my husband and he gets rude. That is, of course, there is a backstory, and if you really try, then perhaps you can avoid it, but I’m incredibly tired of constantly walking on tiptoe and watching every word I say. This got me worse than ever.
That is, some things accumulate inside him, he walks around irritated, then finds a reason and begins to be rude. I’m tired of this and I don’t intend to endure and adapt anymore. Question to the audience: what measures can be applied? Besides breaking dishes? (it's a joke). He knows it pisses me off, but it's a way for him to assert himself. How can you, out of the blue, insult a person who is polite to you?
Example: a child scratched his cheeks. I take out baby cream to apply. “Is this cream safe?” - Yes, for children, from Russia. (we live in another country). “It’s better not to smear them, I think.” Well, I think it will start now. But I need to smear it on my skin, it’s dry and almost tears. I ask him to hold the baby, it’s hard for me to do it myself, she’s spinning. Me “I need your help, so that you just hold it, no need to wobble or explain anything to me, now is not the time, don’t interfere in the process, but help.” “Let’s just shut up,” he recommends to me. A curtain. What is this, Terretz syndrome? Does swearing come out of your mouth on its own? This is a periodic phenomenon. I didn't insult him in any way. Although I understand that he may be offended that he is not consulted, but in reality there is NO time to discuss every step with him.
It is important for His Majesty to have his opinion asked. Well, we’re not fooled - we tried this too. It got to the point where I became weak-willed and started asking for advice on absolutely everything, like a little girl. I had to stop because I began to lose my sense of self. I want to make at least such small and harmless decisions on my own. I always consult with him on any major issue.
Three days ago we went to a friend’s celebration. There, the husband was having fun at first, then someone else found himself in the center of attention, besides, not everything was translated into his language (and several other representatives of his language), he got ready to go home and, as a result, dragged his sleeping daughter out into the street, we left and he two He didn’t talk to me for an hour on the road - because of some kind of internal cockroaches. This also happens. Unexplainable mood swings - boom! = that's all. I left him alone. Although he also walked around with an offended look, it’s not clear why.
In general, to be honest, I re-read Everests of books to understand him, to explain his behavior, to adapt, to understand his soul. And I'm tired. I'm sick of. I don't want this for another second.
Previously, I found excuses for him, but now I don’t care for what reasons he does this (tired, not getting along, working at home all the time and tired of everything, whatnot) - I just need him not to be rude to me. Everything can be resolved calmly and without rudeness.
Please advise me what measures will bring him to his senses. We haven't been through this before. I went to sleep in another room, they swore and raised their voices. He often blames me for everything, saying that I’m the one who’s explosive, but if I behaved well, it wouldn’t even occur to him. This is manipulation and that's understandable.
But what should I use, what handcuffs should I put on him, so that this never happens again - that is, so that he doesn’t be rude to me? I understand that he does such feints out of powerlessness. He cannot conduct a dialogue on a level, and as soon as he loses control of the situation, he begins to be rude. It just infuriates me.
We have a daughter growing up, whom he loves very much. She's still quite small. But I don’t want her to grow up knowing that this is a normal attitude, and then end up in a bad relationship with a disrespectful partner. And I don’t want to live in an atmosphere where you never know what will happen next, at what moment he will open his mouth for no apparent reason. I would like to throw such a scandal so that it would be generally unacceptable. But this also happened before, and it didn’t work. Although it helps for a while.
Help with advice, please? Well, what to do?
If a husband is rude to his wife, what are the possible reasons for this behavior? And how can this situation be corrected?
Unfortunately, many women are familiar with this situation: in response to a remark or request, the husband begins to snap back. If the wife does not stop insisting on her own, the husband starts shouting. After a certain period of time, he may begin to be rude to his woman and even call her names, despite the presence of strangers. What can you do if your husband is rude again and again in response to the most everyday requests? To find the answer to this question, you need to understand why this happens in the first place.
Parental example of boorish behavior
It is no secret that the parents and family structure in which a young man was brought up, who got married and began to be rude to his wife after some time, can have a significant impact on his entire future life.
Sometimes a girl may not understand that her husband simply adopted the model of communication that was established in his father's house. It is not surprising that a person will repeat this in his own family.
Of course, at first, the newly-made husband made some efforts to learn to behave differently, to show his best side. But working on yourself is such painstaking work!
Crises of family relationships
Also, the husband may begin to be rude to his wife, because at the moment your family is experiencing one or another relationship crisis. Finding himself in a new, unusual situation, a man can simply throw out the emotions that have accumulated in his soul in the usual way for him. However, every family has to overcome family crises. The good news is that many people come out of such situations with dignity. Therefore, it is better not to rush to despair, but to make every effort to restore peace in your family, getting rid of scandals.
In any family, the initial euphoria and idealization of one’s companion wears off after some time. After this, both husband and wife will have to make an effort to learn to accept their partner for who he really is, with all his positive character traits and shortcomings.
If the husband is rude, the wife can try to respond not only to the form of his offensive remarks, but also to their main meaning. What makes your husband angry? What was the reason for such a surge of negative emotions? Such reflection can encourage the wife not to criticize her husband, but to eliminate the very causes of this family discord.
A wife can try not to react with rudeness to rudeness in response to offensive speech. When a little time has passed and the first emotions have subsided, you should calmly tell your husband about what feelings his words and actions caused. If rudeness on the part of the husband manifests itself again and again without justified reasons, it is worth talking with the spouse more seriously, but still without retaliatory rudeness, threats or criticism. Then, perhaps, the husband will understand that it is time to settle down and learn to express his emotions in a different way.
Rudeness in the family is a problem in modern society. Verbal humiliation of women is the most common form of domestic violence. If this state of affairs continues for a long time, it will negatively affect the health of both the woman and her children. Therefore, you should think more than once before enduring rudeness in your own home for too long.
I always knew that my husband had a hot temper, but before I had avoided his temper. But gradually my husband began to shout at me and might say something unpleasant. I pretended (probably this was my mistake) that I didn’t notice anything. Now, when my husband is not in a good mood, he uses me like a whipping girl: he distorts my words, he is rude, he can even call me names! And when it cools down, he says “in his own defense” that it was my fault that I brought him to such a state.
I’ve tried to talk to him more than once, but it’s all in vain, I’m exaggerating, they say. It’s very rare to hear the words “Well, I’m sorry” from him, and they are said in such a tone that I understand that this is a favor. I have always been against such behavior, but lately I feel that I have become nervous, angry and am about to answer my husband in the same way. Please advise how to improve the situation.
Irina Well, alas, this happens. Of course, the situation in the family is quite tense, and if nothing is done, it can go far. Therefore, it is important to solve it at a stage when there is still a desire and opportunity to change something.
Shout and be heard?
It’s hard to believe, but this is exactly how overly emotional statements are explained when sorting out relationships. It seems to a person that he cannot shout to his partner, both literally and figuratively, so he raises his voice. This is clear. Well, what about rude words? Psychologists have an explanation for this as well.
Rude and even profane language is always emotionally charged and is used in order to convey one’s thoughts even more “accessibly.” But seriously, the reasons for the not always adequate behavior of men is that they usually have more restrained behavior than us women. It is we who react emotionally to every little thing, but they accumulate and accumulate their discontent, internal tension grows, and then suddenly boom - and “you, a bad person, ruined his life.”
Another reason why a husband is rude may lie in the so-called “pattern behavior.” Simply put, in conflict situations, the spouse behaves the way his parents behaved.
Take care of youself
It’s probably not very pleasant to read this, but sometimes a woman whose husband is constantly rude should think about whether she has put herself in such an unenviable position. After all, as people say, “you want to hit a hunchbacked back,” but psychologists put it more delicately: the victim always finds his tyrant. What can you do if this is true, at least partially? We need to find a middle ground between “I’d rather remain silent out of harm’s way” and “I’ll defend my opinion until I’m hoarse.” Try to look at the situation from the outside, let him speak, and when the “fountain of emotions” dries up, calmly identify his actions and tell him about your feelings. For example, “You are screaming now. Why are you doing it? When you do this, I feel offended and want to defend myself.” Agree with your husband that, no matter how heated the argument may be, you will not get personal. After all, this is humiliation. Namely, from this, first of all, a man must protect his half.
Work for two
If you understand that the cause of your problems is your husband’s choleric temperament, try to convince him to seek help or advice (for some reason this word sounds safer for men) from a good family psychotherapist. However, this is not always easy to do. In any case, try to agree with your husband (when he is in a good mood) on a few rules at the moment when he feels like he is about to explode. If you happen to respond to your husband “in return,” they will also be useful to you.
To express your emotions, you need to choose a special place in the apartment. The main thing is that it is not the kitchen or the bedroom - we subconsciously consider these places to be the most intimate, so they should not be associated with conflicts.
During a “speech” you can raise your voice, but calling names and insulting is a no-no. Also, you can't interrupt each other. If you still have difficulties with the latter, try this psychological technique. Choose a small object (a pen, a TV remote control, a bottle of perfume) and agree that the person holding the object has the right to vote.
Physical pressure in the family is unacceptable not only to people, but also to things. And you cannot argue your opinion by throwing or breaking things.
If you feel like your emotions are getting the better of you, start communicating using notes. Thus, it will not be possible to interrupt or raise your voice. Yes, and calling people names, most likely, will not work, because the statements will be more constructive and thoughtful.
It shouldn't be like this!
It’s a completely different matter when such behavior from your husband is the style of your relationship. He is firmly convinced that his behavior is absolutely normal and not rudeness at all, but just mild criticism? It's time for heavy artillery. During your next performance, try to discreetly film it on your mobile camera or at least record it on a voice recorder. And when he is complacent, let him view or listen to the “compromising evidence.” If after this he does not think about his behavior, more drastic measures are needed. It's time to think about what good you are getting from your marriage. Stability, habit, material security are, of course, important, but your self-esteem and self-esteem cannot be sacrificed for this. You should be aware that many psychologists and women's rights organizations consider behavior in which one person regularly verbally humiliates another as emotional abuse. I am sure that if you really want to change the situation for the better, you will succeed! And your most faithful helpers in this will be self-respect and the belief that you deserve only the best.
Look at you
You, in turn, also control yourself, because, let’s be honest, women know how to “nail” and “bring to white heat” like no one else. Do you allow yourself to make negative statements about his earnings? Do you question his abilities, criticize him in front of strangers? Any man perceives such behavior as humiliation, psychologists say. Someone withdraws, becomes apathetic, and someone will defend themselves with the same weapon - humiliation, only in the form of rude and offensive words. Therefore, always remember what kind of husband you want to have next to you. Smart, strong, successful? Then treat him that way.
Help save the family. My husband and I have been together for 3 years and married for one year. He is 28, I am 18. I have a son (9 months). There were some minor problems with purchasing an apartment (before that we lived in a rented apartment), but now everything has worked out. I always tried to be a good wife, we solved problems together and consulted. I am at home with my child all the time, I only go out to study, I keep order, I try to make my husband feel comfortable, but lately he has become rude, harsh, insults for no reason (shut up, stupid, annoying, etc.), allows swearing in front of family, friends, in public, despite the fact that I had already decided to answer everything gently and turn it into a joke. I tried to talk seriously, I said that I felt like a complete insignificance, he replied that I should not care what others thought, but it seemed to me that he was openly neglecting me. How can I save my family and show my husband that I’m tired of this? I see one option, but I don’t want to go to extremes just yet. Maybe this is just that 3-year turning point, and we need to get through it? We already had this happen, I left him (there was no son yet), he tearfully begged me on his knees for three months to come back. We decided to live from scratch and again ran into his rudeness.
Catherine, Vorkuta, 18 years old / 09/19/13
Our experts' opinions
Alyona
In my opinion, “extreme” is the only method of combating this phenomenon. Your husband is already a “grown boy”; at 28 years old, such manners can no longer be beaten with a stick, it’s a habit. After all, he already behaved like this, and he began to control himself only after he realized that he could lose you. Alas, but now he is absolutely sure that you are not going anywhere. And you, with your behavior with gentle answers and translation into a joke, gave him a reason for this. Insults directed at yourself must be stopped immediately, and not gently laughed off about it. You knew that this was not just an accident, and it was not the reins that got under your husband’s tail. For him, this behavior is the norm. But he allows himself this only with those who agree to tolerate him. I don’t think he communicates with his friends either, because they will just send back and stop communicating. But you don’t. You have a stamp in your passport and a child, who is not even a year old, in your arms. And he is absolutely convinced that this is a compelling argument for you to shut up and endure. And you also share an apartment. In general, my opinion is that you need to talk seriously with your husband again, and not about the fact that it’s unpleasant for you to be scolded in the presence of strangers. You can definitely not give a damn about outsiders. Your husband insults YOU, and it is you who are disgusted and disgusted in your soul by the way he treats you, regardless of whether this happens in public or tete-a-tete. In addition, you have a growing son who sees and hears all this and who will soon begin to take his father’s example of inappropriate treatment of a woman. Set an ultimatum, remind him of his promises not to behave rudely with you (to put it mildly) and be ready to take drastic measures (yes, to leave) in case he does not take you seriously or promises and breaks down again. Just keep in mind that such measures only work if you really show determination and go to the end. Simple threats without real action are not effective. Although experience suggests that it is easier to part with such husbands right away, because forgiving them and returning to them means every time returning to what you left after a short time, and they begin to control themselves for a shorter and shorter period of time after reconciliation...
Sergey
Ekaterina, unfortunately, it is, in my opinion, unrealistic to stop such behavior without the use of strict measures. Moreover, the longer you endure and gently turn everything into a joke, the more impunity your husband will feel. Of course, being a single mother at this age is difficult. No housing, no work, no education. But your son sees and hears everything that happens. He is brought up on the example of his father’s bestial attitude towards his mother, and this, in my opinion, is much worse. Therefore, I think that it is still worth looking for options to leave. However, first, it will be useful to consult with lawyers. Take the time and seek legal advice. There you will tell what is happening and discuss options for divorce. I believe that with properly prepared soil, you can get out of any situation with minimal losses. And for you now, just breaking up and going nowhere is not the best option. You still have a child to raise. So get ready and go consult with lawyers. Well, then you will proceed according to plan.
Which expert is right?
Alena |
0 5
Sergey
Men are always unpredictable. Situations are different. Sometimes girls do not understand their life partners. What to do if a guy is rude? This is the eternal question of young inexperienced girls. This article is the answer to all the questions of the female half of society.
Some women say that if a man is rude, then you should answer him in kind. This is a trivial answer. You always need to think deeper because different things happen in life. Every life situation is different, and you shouldn’t solve everything according to the same rule. First of all, a woman should think about why a guy is being rude. You can calmly talk with him or meet with his friends, acquaintances or colleagues. In a meeting, you don't need to directly ask them about your boyfriend, otherwise they might suspect something bad. Many may simply remain silent and not answer a woman’s questions. Some people in his social circle will tell everything about him. There is no guarantee that you can find out everything, but at least some of the information. Having found out the reason, a woman should think about how to solve this or that situation in her favor. A smart lady would do this.
These are two opposite situations. In the first example, the woman tries to maintain her relationship with her lover, and in the second case it is clear that she easily breaks it off. Everyone knows that relationships that last for years are much better than those that last just a couple of weeks. It's safe to say that the first case is more ideal than the second example.
Each woman chooses for herself which scheme to follow. Many women believe that they would rather keep in their lives the person whom they have known for many years and will try to establish a relationship with him. It is difficult to let new people into your world, especially unfamiliar men. Pride is not a good friend when you have problems with a man. Pride will lead to disappointment, because sometimes men themselves are proud. Two proud people are unlikely to change the situation in a positive direction.
It is important to know that rudeness, at its core, is a natural quality of men. When a woman is rude, it is very ugly. Sometimes rudeness makes a man beautiful, if it does not go beyond the limits of reason, that is, the man becomes brutal. It is necessary to see the difference between rudeness and a man's strong character. These are different things. Men are not attracted to such a quality as softness.
What to do with male rudeness if a woman cannot stand it? Firstly, we need to make sure that the man understands that she is offended, that she is a defenseless person. Tears help a lot. Many men cannot look calmly at women's tears. They begin to regret and repent. Secondly, during conversations you can constantly tell him about shame. He must understand that his behavior is shameful. When loved ones tell people about something all the time, it acts like medicine. They begin to think with the thoughts of their loved ones, but the words about the fact that she is ashamed of him should be heard many times. Many psychologists recommend this advice. When it is necessary to change a man’s thinking, it is necessary to express a negative attitude towards this or that thing, and in the end the man agrees with the woman.
Men always look like children. The main thing is to learn how to manage them. When he repents that he behaved badly, that there was no need to be rude, then his behavior must be explained to him. It is worth saying that he is strong, and she is weak. It is important to note what offended her, that is, thereby trying to arouse pity in him. When a woman seems to have a strong personality, her man does not feel sorry for her, and he believes that she can handle it herself. It turns out that women themselves are sometimes to blame for the fact that their other half is rude to them. There is no need to become men. Everyone must remain themselves. Nature created men strong, and they are obliged to fulfill their functions, and women - weak and they cannot take the place of a man in a relationship.
From all that has been said, the most important thing can be highlighted. Men are protectors of women, not abusers. Women are weak and delicate creatures. Everyone should remain like this. If a woman wants to be strong like a man, then her partner will see in her the same personality as himself, as a result of which rudeness on his part may appear, rather than tenderness and pity towards her.
You should never sort things out with a man with a scandal. Don't shout loudly at him because of his rudeness. This will only lead to more arguing and hurtful words. The conversation with him should be calm.
According to psychologists, a man is rude to a woman in order to attract her attention. This is such a complex. It seems to him that she is not paying attention to him. When he is rude, she begins to react to it, as a result of which the man feels like a self-sufficient and strong person.
The reason for male rudeness is always different. A woman needs to carefully look at the situation and understand the reason. If rudeness is caused by one of the reasons described above, then everything can be corrected. Tenderness and affection, intelligence and patience of a woman will fix everything. If this situation repeats itself day after day, and the man is not going to change his behavior, then this should not be tolerated! Women don't deserve to be treated like this!
